Season 5, Episode 20
You Can’t Win ‘Em All
We are getting down to the wire, and tonight on 90210 we learned “You Can’t Win ‘Em All.” In other words, you win some, you lose some…which on this show means that sometimes you get your brother free from jail, and sometimes he has to move to Vermont. Plus, Naomi wears her 9,0210th costume on this series.
Jailhouse Rock. Back from their quickie trip to NYC last week, Mark is in jail for the drug bust on his luggage—drugs that Annie’s ex (during her hooker days) planted to mess with her family. Don’t feel too bad, Mark, as your sisters mention, they all have police records in this family. The bumbling sisters race against the clock to help their bro, but they learn a thing or two in the process: apparently Mark has hid the fact that he is currently on probation for narcotics trafficking (of which he is totes innocent!) AND he has twin 11-year olds with his ex-wife. Wow, it’s amazing the info that comes out after a night in jail. Adding to Mark’s complications, his ex-wife wants to take a job in Vermont, but the only way Mark can prevent her from leaving the state with his kids is if he can prove he is an active dad. That may be difficult given he is about to miss their birthday party [and because this show literally just made up this back story about three seconds ago]. But never fear, Mark…Princess Naomi to the rescue! Yes, Naomi always has to hatch a plan that she considers to be genius (in this case, throwing a lavish birthday party she thinks is so good that the kids will, ummm, fail to notice that their dad didn’t show). She drags her famous pal Liam along to make a good impression and even dons a princess costume for some fun in a ball pit. Was it just me, or did these kids seem a little old for a princess/Discovery Zone party? When Liam sees what a terrible plan this is, he snatches the kids and takes them to see their father [in jail] and shockingly the kids have a good time with dad. The parent I am really now questioning is the ex-wife who leaves her kids with two strangers in costumes at a party with no other kids. Anyways, while Naomi has been busy with party plans, Annie has taken the lead on the legal front. She hires a hottie lawyer (who I am pretty sure used to be on Saved by the Bell: The New Class) but the lawyer says they really need access to the sealed court documents from Mark’s previous case. Getting that information is something that only Jordan can do through his manipulative mother. He is reluctant to ask for her help—because he knows it comes with strings attached—but when he sees how important Mark is to Naomi, he manages to get the information needed to set Mark free. Naomi is delighted, but then bummed to learn that Mark will have to move to Vermont anyways, to be with his kids. And, she will now lose Jordan as well because mommie dearest wants him to get back to NYC as repayment.
Everybody Hates Silver. It is kind of ironic…Silver doesn’t really need a baby given how she acts like a baby. And finally, FINALLY most of the others are tired of catering to her whines and whims. You know it is bad when she makes people like Ade and Michaela seem mature by contrast. In a surprise no one everyone sees coming, Michaela’s “amazing” song (written and submitted by Ade) gets chosen by the contest producers. But of course Silver is the one to pick up the call. She immediately starts packing Michaela’s bags, but not for the tour. Instead, Silver plans to send Michaela back to DC to finish out her pregnancy. As Silver and Dixon fight like toddlers over their little human puppet, Michaela gets increasingly angry. I would feel sorry for Michaela, except that I just want to slap her for being too dumb to know her own rights. From this point forward, things become even more of a mess as Dixon confronts Ade about screwing with their delicate situation by secretly submitting the song, and Ade accuses Dixon of not taking a stand against Silver to go after what HE wants. While all of these guys have gone about it in ridiculous ways, they all finally reach a similar conclusion that we have been waiting for: why has everyone let Silver call the only shots lately? In order to reassert themselves, Ade cements her relationship with Navid (who I am pretty sure Silver could care less about) but in doing so she strains her relationship with Michaela, who also liked Navid. Not only do Ade and Navid hook up, but they do it in Silver’s bed, which is pretty much the equivalent of your cat peeing on your things when he is angry and wants attention. As for Dixon, he FINALLY has the sense to take a good look at Silver’s surrogacy contract (and have a lawyer weigh in) and he realizes that—guess what—Michaela IS still a human being and can live and do what she wants, as long as she receives proper medical care. But it may be too late for both Dixon and Silver to makes their final pleas to Michaela, because they discover she (and her fetus) have run away.
Down Under. Oh yeah, Liam is all over the map in this episode, from appearing in children’s birthday parties to having a threesome with “LeoBelles” (i.e. fans of his character in Annie’s book). It is pretty par for the course that Liam has an identity crisis in each episode and questions his life choices. This time, when Sydney (the wicked stepmom) pops up to apologize and explain that she wants to hit reset on their relationship, he decides this is the perfect chance to move to Australia with the woman! And he wants Annie to buy the Offshore from him! Now, I couldn’t even remember who even owns the Offshore at this point, but Liam thinks it is him. And he thinks moving suddenly across the globe with a woman he barely knows is smart. OK, Liam, OK.
Stay tuned for next week, when we are down to the final two!