Season 5, Episode 19
The Empire State Strikes Back
With only a handful of episodes left in the series, “The Empire State Strikes Back” was pretty weak. I expect more backstabbing and comedy, but instead we just got the usual idiocy and bitchiness…not nearly enough given how very little time we have left. We did learn that having private jets at your disposal does really make all the difference when it comes to travel.
New York State of Mind. For these girls to compare themselves to Sex and the City is sacrilegious. Author X Annie as Carrie Bradshaw? Don’t even. But the girls [+ Mark] decide to head to the big apple for a mini-getaway and to impress Jordan’s high-powered politico mother, Sheila. It seems that she is quite the tough cookie and a potential for the next Secretary of State. OK, that is strike two: this show should never be allowed to mention real-life significant television series OR meaningful political offices, ever. Naomi worries that her family history—despite being wealthy—is just not good enough for mommy dearest and puts pressure on brother Mark to pretend like they are better than they are. One would think that Naomi would have learned that being herself and not putting on a fake act for the sake of a guy would have sunk in by now, but one would be wrong. Even though Mark steps up and auctions his own private cooking class to a horny lucky lady, Sheila knows Naomi’s true sordid back story and is not pleased. But when Naomi finally tells her off, it is Jordan who walks away most impressed. Apparently the best way to win Jordan’s heart is by standing up to his mother.
Access Hollywood. Annie’s main motivation for tagging along to NYC is so that she can officially reveal herself as the infamous Author X to Nancy O’Dell on live TV. But first she must come clean to her brother. Dixon doesn’t take the news that Annie prostituted herself to put him through expensive rehab quite so well (maybe she should have sent him to a cheaper facility in the Valley). When Dixon asks Liam for advice, he decides to show up to a random charity meeting at Patrick’s home and mingle with his wife, and then threaten Patrick to keep away from his sister. Patrick—or Paterson as he is known in Annie’s easily identifiable book—doesn’t want his wife to discover his secret life. Dixon pops over to NYC for the night [yup, it’s that convenient to go 3,000 miles] just to tell Annie that he supports her decision to come clean to the world about her past. So Annie does just that! The next thing you know, Patrick has hopped a plane all so that he could have a 5 second confrontation with her in the hotel lobby and express his rage that the whole world figured out that he is “Paterson” (and apparently cares this much about a stupid book). Now he is out for serious payback on little orphan Annie. Except what does he do? He puts cocaine in Mark’s duffle bag bound for the airport. Ummm OK. You know, it’s nonsensical actions like these that make me wish Annie and Patrick had made things work in their twisted relationship…they seem to fit together so well.
I’m a Slave to You. It continues to amaze me how this show can take characters who used to be remotely decent (ahem, Navid) and turn them into such absurd and horrid people. Silver is on the same trajectory this season…first as a whiney and obnoxious girl whose only obsession was having a baby (never mind the fact that she does nothing else with her life, like work, go to school, or figure out a way she will raise a child while living in an upscale garage) to now acting like having a surrogate is the same thing as having a slave. Why on earth Michaela agreed to even be Silver’s surrogate is beyond me, but I am pretty sure that just because a surrogate agrees to carry a baby to term and stay generally healthy doesn’t mean that the biological mom can dictate every life decision. Michaela practically has to have a permission slip signed to go to the bathroom. Master Silver is ‘kind’ enough to agree that Michaela can enter a song in a competition, but secretly she only agrees because she doesn’t think Michaela will have a shot in hell at winning. On the one hand, I agree that Michaela doesn’t have talent; on the other hand, Silver is such a bitch. While ‘the Master’ is away eating pizza in NYC with her new boy toy, Mark, Michaela stays behind to crank out an original song and gets help from the master lyricist that is Adrianna. HA. But it turns out that Ade really enjoys writing (who knew she could write?) and Michaela really thinks they have a hit. When Silver hears this masterpiece and then forbids her servant surrogate from entering the song, Ade goes ahead and submits it anyway. I kind of thought that Ade would just rerecord the song with her own singing, but surprisingly she didn’t. But I don’t think we will be at a loss for drama between Ade and Michaela—who are now both into Navid. And certainly the Ade-Silver feud will heat up!
Wipe Out. Over at the beach, Liam and Navid decide to get down to business on their custom surfboard company for serious surfer chicks. Oh, is that still happening? Liam has selected a young girl named Cassie McCoy to be their spokesperson, as she is between sponsors. Conveniently, she hangs around CU with her college boyfriend. You know what else is convenient? Apparently CU lets random people who aren’t even students [or who are former students who got in trouble for a massive cheating ring] throw last-minute concerts in the Student Union. Yes, Cassie will only agree to be their surfer-celeb endorsement IF Liam and Navid can arrange a concert with this week’s musical guest, Olly Murs. They manage to pull it off and Cassie is totes stoked. But then when news breaks around-the-world that Liam is actually “Leo” from Annie’s sordid book, Cassie’s momager refuses to let her work with him. Sorry dude, life’s a beach.
That leaves us with only three episodes to go before we say goodbye to 90210 one last time.