90210 Recap – A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Call Girl

Season 5, Episode 18
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Call Girl

When 90210 says “previously on” they are not joking around: the recap reel showed scenes from way back when Annie was a high-class call-girl. But of course that is all relevant now that Annie has published a “50 Shades” tell-all type book. Things climax quickly for Annie and fellow-90210ers now that we are down to just a small handful of episodes for this absurdly enjoyable series.

Author X-rated. Yes, Annie’s poorly written book has somehow become a best-selling sensation, but she is still insistent on staying anonymous. Hmmm perhaps she should not have posed for her own book cover (naked backside, but still). Annie’s plans to lay low are foiled when Naomi gets a sweet gig from her new love interest, Jordan. He wants her to throw an awesome book party for Undressed and Naomi wants to show him how she can work her thang. But because she is still getting over her divorce and reluctant to enter a new relationship, she decides her best approach is to really wow Jordan with the party and get the mysterious Author X to out herself. She even requests Annie’s help! It takes Silver (and later during a book reading Liam) mere seconds to realize “Annabel” in Undressed is Annie. And, as Liam finally points out, her ridiculous name parallels like “Annabel” having a thing for motorcycle-riding loner “Leo” don’t help her anonymous wish. At the sexy masquerade party, Naomi keeps her eye out for a potential Author X but only ends up making a fool out of herself by believing that Jordan’s secretive sister is the woman behind the book. While Jordan and sister Elizabeth do seem to be hiding something, Annie finally comes clean to Naomi about her prostitution past. She also takes Naomi’s advice to heart and decides to tell the world who she is—embrace her dark past to be truly free. Unfortunately, Liam doesn’t really feel the same way and is super pissed that Annie wrote about him. And based on the ending, it seems former lover Patrick is none too pleased when he shows up at her door. But certainly the best line of the night went to Silver for this diddy: “You wrote a book about being a hooker?! But congratulations!”

That’s what friends are for. We knew from the last episode that crazy Ade was thisclose to rearing her ugly head, again. While Ade told Silver she was “OK” with Silver and Mark’s hook-up, that was most definitely not the case. The understatement of the year was Silver explaining to Mark that the last time she and Ade fought over a guy, things went down a really dark path. Uhhh yeah they did, like swapping prescription medications for bipolar disease? So Silver breaks things off with a bummed out Mark, but he won’t take things lying down…well except he offers to get down with Ade. Yep, he calls Ade over to play a serious game of friendship chicken. Mark starts undressing and gives Ade her chance to sleep with him to ‘get back at Silver’ and get her angry revenge out, so that he and Silver can move on with their own relationship. But Ade can’t go through with being a bad friend. Just when Mark thinks he has solved the girls’ problem, Ade confronts Silver and tells her ‘friend’ that Silver didn’t consider her feelings the way Ade herself had, so their friendship is over.

Innocent until proven guilty. Back over in boring land, Liam and Navid enact the next phase of their plan to expose Campbell and his society douche bags as the leaders of the university cheating ring. Since Liam is sleeping with Campbell’s young stepmom, Sydney, she seems oddly interested in helping frame Campbell herself. They arrange for the econ professor to give a new exam and also convince Campbell and his buddies to cheat again, this time using a good old-fashioned water bottle with formulas written on it. Honestly, all of these guys—including Navid—deserve to be kicked out of school for being so stupid. Navid can’t even hide his smugness when they are caught, until he realizes that he is STILL guilty from cheating the first time. This is America’s future, folks. So now lots of boys are angry, and even Liam is pissed because he learns that Sydney was only using him to screw with her stepson because she wants his inheritance. We. Don’t. Care.

High-school musical chairs. The relationship drama continues, with Mark actually expressing what we are all thinking: why do all these people act like high-schoolers who can’t have a simple face-to-face conversation? Well, I guess because this is 90210. Dixon seeks advice from his newly discovered bro about whether he should date Michaela. But when Dixon finally tells the preggo surrogate that he is into her, she lets him down. Apparently Michaela only likes Dixon as a friend, but she does still have the hots for Navid whom she first met (Really? Are these crazy pregnancy hormones talking?). Well, we may have another love triangle on our hands, as a bummed out Ade and Navid commiserate over their ‘terrible’ lives by making out. So, I guess we really are back in high school, when these two dated.

Only four episodes to go.

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