90210 Recap – Life’s a Beach

Season 5, Episode 16
Life’s a Beach

“Life’s a Beach” is the title of tonight’s 90210 episode, and also a phrase notably uttered by homeless vet Jack Canner to always-helpful Brandon Walsh in the original series (Yes, I actually knew that off the top of my head. Sometimes I wonder what percentage of my brain is devoted to useless B.H. 90210 knowledge). But, the phrase “life’s a beach” takes on whole new meaning now that the news has broken: 90210 is cancelled. Yup, this May we shall have to say goodbye to our gang from the world’s most well-known zip code. So I propose that we cherish these final few adventures, because goodness knows I will miss the absurdity of this series and the opportunity it gives me to be snarky.

Bros before hoes. Opening a restaurant in record time is clearly just not enough of a business accomplishment for some people on this show. Annie gets her newly discovered half-bro, Mark, a job interview at a swanky NYC restaurant. He is excited for the opportunity, but Naomi is not. She wants to ensure that Mark stays put in LA with her. Again, I am a tad disturbed by the incest-like obsession Naomi seems to have with her HALF-BROTHER. But if Naomi can’t date her brother, she can certainly use her manipulative skills to pimp out her pal Adrianna. Despite Mark and Silver sharing a connection [if by “connection” you include deep opinions like “New York is like such a great city”], Naomi thinks Ade is a better choice given Silver’s complicated baby situation. Ade is completely game to parade around and put the moves on Mark because, well, he is hot. But as soon as Annie gets wind of Naomi’s scheming the two friends declare war. Annie stages the world’s best-worst fake convo with Dixon in front of Mark, declaring Ade to be a total druggie whore. Naomi pops up and she and Annie have an all out screaming match about what a terrible person Adrianna is, and I can’t even tell you everything that was said because I was laughing too hard by the time Adrianna strolled up and overheard everything. Oops. Poor Ade goes running off looking like a ho’ in the headlights. Naomi and Annie end their own bickering over their brother because they realize that they are actually like sisters. They find Ade and apologize. Adrianna accepts surprisingly quickly. Maybe she realizes that, um, everything they said was actually true. Or maybe it was the offer of a puppy and a trip to Maui. As for Mark, he decides not to run from the challenge of owning a restaurant with his sister. But will Silver and Ade now fight for his affections?

Is that your board, or are you just happy to see me? In the week’s most “ripped from a porno” storyline, Liam tells his buds that he plans to open his own custom surfboard company….but wait, here is his genius marketing spin: it’s for surfer girls. I love that Dixon and Navid are rather skeptical at first (Oh, you thought opening a club was better Navid? How did that turn out?). But everyone quickly changes their tune when two seconds later a hot blond surfer chick who looks like she just came from the hair salon strolls up to them on the beach and basically decides she loves Liam’s surfboard so much she wants to invest in his new company. Well what are the odds! Wow, when I was looking for a job last summer I should have just sat on the beach and yelled sentences like “I want a book deal!” and waited for a hot man to come up and offer me a date and a publishing house. The girl, Sydney, stops by Liam’s shop—which is magically set up already—and Liam’s shirt is also magically off. After many sexual innuendos involving boards and rubbing the boards, the two get it on. But now Liam is conflicted—he is hesitant to get involved in a business with someone he is seeing (yet again). He confronts Sydney at a surfing event and tells her that he either wants to date her or wants to be in business with her, but it can’t be both. She then drops the bombshell that she is in a bad marriage to an older guy and trying to “make it right,” whatever that means. But Liam has no willpower and goes to her mansion later to hook up. As he leaves the next morning he overhears Sydney’s stepson talk on the phone, and it is none other than the vicious Campbell.

Risky business. Navid is still obnoxious and so is his story line with this rich boy society. Tonight it only matters because Navid is now trying to get a prestigious marketing trainee opportunity which doesn’t go very well without society connections. By far the best part is Navid’s interview in which he explains that ‘for some reason’ the entire college is withholding grades (ha) and the reason he transferred from Princeton to CU was because a ‘good friend’ died. Um, what? Do you mean Raj? Did you ever even share a scene with him? Do you even remember his name? Anyway, Navid quickly realizes that he must prove to Brock that he has marketing savvy, so he invites him to his surfboard company launch (i.e. Liam’s new biz). Brock is impressed enough despite some hiccups and he offers Navid the internship. Being the idiot that he is, Navid chooses to rub the news in Campbell’s face. Way to make your sworn enemy even more pissed! Sounds like Campbell already has a plan up his sleeves, though, because Liam overhears him say that Navid will be taking the fall for the cheating scandal.

Gone viral. It was the world’s longest lead-up to a teenage pregnancy. But Silver finally got Michaela to her appointment and the in vitro procedure took place. I am not sure why Michaela even wants to be surrogate anymore given that Silver wants to dictate her cereal choices, but for some reason she does. The doctor appointments unfortunately conflict with Dixon’s major music video shoot for his hopeful songstress and his label is about the fold. But he concedes his dream so that Silver may realize hers. Silver is so touched that she goes to great lengths to organize a lame ‘totally awesome’ flash mob to perform while Michaela sings at the surf event. Just as their video becomes a viral sensation, they get the news that Michaela has officially been knocked up!

Well that’s it folks! Not too many episodes left until we are 9021-no-more.

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