Season 5, Episode 13
If I had to guess, I would venture that the title of tonight’s 90210, “realness,” came from Annie’s poorly written blog. Yes, remember that our little orphan Annie started a blog—which she initially called “Blog”—to therapeutically write about her twisted relationships [take your pick]. But Annie isn’t the only one experiencing the ‘realness’ of life in 90210-land.
- Inner goddess gone wrong. So yeah, Annie’s blog has been renamed to “Undressed by Annabel” and apparently has caught the attention of a publisher after only a few stupid posts. I would like to take this opportunity to invite any book publishers out there who enjoy snarky recaps to please contact me. But, please do not send a random hipster boy to sit in a parked car outside my house. Ummm, that was ridiculous. Also ridiculous is the begging and pleading that this publisher has to do to ‘woo’ a reluctant Annie, as apparently our favorite simpleton wants to keep her anonymity. I was pretty sure that Dixon knew about Annie’s minor foray into prostitution in order to pay for his rehab, but I guess I was wrong? Either way, seriously Annie? You really care that much what your former druggie brother thinks? The most laughable yet true moment of this episode was definitely when the publisher tells Annie that her blog-turned-book could be the next 50 Shades of Grey. Bizarrely, this is likely VERY accurate, since we all know Annie is a crappy writer, talks like a tween drop-out, and pretty much has the intelligence (or lack thereof) of Anastasia Steele. In fact—casting idea! Shenae Grimes should totally be considered to play the naïve Anastasia in the movie of 50 Shades! She has had years of experience playing Annie on this show!
- Chemistry matters. Naomi and Max begin the process of ending their marriage, and they both seem to be handling it very well. Actually, their friendly split is the most mature we have ever seen the couple. But, it is all just a little too good to be true because they really are hurting inside. They agree to do one last charity event together—come on, it’s for the kids!—which involves Max getting to show off his awesomely nerdy science knowledge. During this little science lesson, Naomi takes the chemistry instruction to heart and explodes like the volcano. She hates it that their divorce symbolizes their mistakes, especially because they still love one another. They always had the right chemistry, but they never could make the equation work [oh, that was deep]. Was this the very last of Max we will ever see?
- She drives me crazy. Ade is still determined to find a way to break her contract with Dixon so that she is no longer stuck working for her ex’s record label (as his one and only act, I might add). She is so absurdly desperate that she is cool with adding to her criminal record. First she tries blatantly shoplifting, but Dixon quickly nips that in the bud. Then she decides to completely BLOW her performance at Naomi’s charity gig. She dresses like a trashy slut (OK, well that part is per usual) and sings horribly (hmmm, that is also kind of per usual) and then she even strips off her top on stage. And the crowd is horrified that Ade didn’t get the Grammy memo to keep her clothes on. But the biggest mistake Ade makes is that—despite getting fair warning that another manager/agent will be in the audience—she completely ruins her chances of getting picked up by new management. Sure, Dixon should have attempted to inform her of his plan to transfer her over to another rep in exchange for him getting some of their new artists, but Ade did know that this dude was going to be in attendance. At the end of the day, Ade and Dixon deserve each other in their stupidity. But Dixon is so pissed at Ade’s behavior he cuts her loose, period. Which means Ade is now manager-less after a horrible performance and Dixon has no talent (ha).
- Are you my [surrogate] mother? Teddy and Silver continue to battle it out over the infamous embryos. OMG, this ‘pregnancy’ is already longer than Jessica Simpson’s and it hasn’t even started yet! Seriously I am so over it. The latest element of the saga is that Teddy has demanded they use a surrogate. You know this is bad news when Silver even considers crazy Ade for a hot second. But Teddy has another idea: use his boyfriend Shane’s sister, Michaela, who just so happens to be visiting from DC. Silver eventually agrees to at least meet this girl so that they can move forward. The girls seem to hit it off…but it is only a matter of time before Silver and Teddy learn of yet another bizarre connection.
- Fight for your right to party. Liam continues his downward rage spiral as he struggles with anxiety from his recent mishaps involving crazy women. He is now fighting with everyone and having difficulty determining his life course. Since this is 90210, amazing opportunities are constantly thrust into these character’s faces, and Liam is no exception. He gets offered the role of a young Joe Namath in a major movie that will make him a huge star. But Liam can’t handle the pressure of fame after the crazies he has dealt with recently, so he opts to partake in Navid’s d-bag club of entitled a-holes. Meanwhile, Navid is increasingly busy trying to earn the ‘respect’ of these d-bags. To do so he hits on a hot girl in a club [gasp!] but to Navid’s shock this girl is actually into him. And, surprise! The girl turns out to be Silver and Teddy’s potential surrogate, Michaela!