Season 5, Episode 9
The Things We Do For Love
You know you are watching too many holiday Hallmark movies when the Christmas episode of 90210 starts looking pretty rock solid as far as acting and writing go. While nothing could really top the splendid surprises of last week’s epic 902-100th episode, they really did jam pack a lot of juicy stuff into tonight’s, “The Things We Do For Love.” All in all, 2012 was full of crazy people and crazy stories. And I loved every minute. In the spirit of the holidays, my little section titles are named in honor of classic Christmas tunes.
Do You Hear What I Hear. Naomi is determined to get her depressed and now-unemployed hubby a great Christmas gift to spread some cheer. But it seems like all Max really wants is for Naomi to get a hearing aid because she just will not listen to him. Max wants her to butt out of trying to get his job situation worked out after being fired by his board when Bryce started. But Naomi is not one to take things (that aren’t kinky) lying down, especially when Alec pops back up to rekindle their business partnership. She does some snooping against Max’s will and learns that Bryce has been recently dumped by her fiancé. Speaking of absurd made-for-TV holiday movies, Bryce’s break-up scene on the phone pretty much rivaled an ABC Family movie. Anyways, the next part of Naomi’s plan involves giving Navid something useful to do for the first time this entire season! Wow a Christmas miracle! Since Navid has nothing better to do than string crappy lights at the Offshore, he agrees to go out with Bryce to dig up some dirt. Their date also feels like an ABC Family movie as the two flirt over their cosmos and wallow in their self-pity of being pretty and rich single people during the holidays. This strategy does pay off when Bryce slips that an old boyfriend named Alec was responsible for her getting her job, as long as she promised to get the CEO fired. Shockingly, Navid was not too drunk from his cosmo to run back to the holiday festivities at the Offshore and tell Naomi this news. Naomi then heads to Alec’s to confront him and happens to say the magic words, “it’s like you’re in love with Max or something.” Yep. Ding ding ding! This explains why Alec has sabotaged every one of Max’s important relationships. Naomi actually empathizes with Alec to a certain extent because the two have similar behavior patterns when going after what they want for someone they love. But will Naomi still have Max in 2013? When she returns home he has left for a conference in Iceland. Brrr, ‘baby it’s cold outside.’
All I Want for Christmas Is You. Ashley—the security guard with a secret—pretty much sums up Liam’s troubles when early on she tries to convince him to let her install more cameras in his new pad: “Stalkers don’t take vacations.” Nope, they don’t…especially when they are working for you. We learned a few weeks ago that Ashley got a tattoo of Liam, but tonight things went to whole new levels of nuts (wow, Liam really attracts the crazies…maybe he and Annie really do belong together!). Liam gets a threatening note telling him to pay $500K for the Vanessa secret. Hey—that was MY letter to Santa—I totes want $500K for Christmas! Liam confides in Annie since he told her the truth last week, and she offers to give him the cash and secretly record the hand-off so they can see who is behind these threats. There is no way he wants Ashley to know about all this Vanessa stuff since he doesn’t want the police involved. Too bad for Liam that Ade spotted Vanessa in a hair salon earlier in the day and stopped by to warn Ashley out of concern for Liam’s safety. So Ashley tracks Liam to his secret rendezvous and arrests him before he gets there—hauling him off in her shady car to an even shadier warehouse-alley type area. But that’s not all folks…she then spills the news that Vanessa is alive and–to keep Liam from running to confront Vanessa–she stabs him in the leg and ties him up. We don’t know where exactly all of this is unfolding until the end when Annie and Vanessa arrive at the Offshore to look for a missing Liam and the camera pans down to the dungeon-basement like area beneath the bar. This is where Liam is watching the upstairs on video monitors while bound and gagged. Umm what? If you are going to hold your obsession hostage, maybe pick somewhere other than their place of work? Ashley is insane AND stupid. Hmm, maybe she would actually be a good match for Liam.
You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch. Dixon and Annie each stress out over what to get significant people in their lives. For Annie, that means picking something for Riley. For Dixon, that means picking something for his gal-pal Megan—someone so special we have not seen or heard of her in weeks. Dixon certainly does move fast, since he was all set to make a lifetime commitment to Ade and now that he knows she cheated he goes to great lengths to make demands about her hair highlights, acting as her “manager.” Annie is not much better doling out the Christmas spirit. She decides to give Riley a product placement for the holiday [i.e. a new Windows tablet for which we practically watched a tutorial] but casually throws in with her gift the mention that she might be, ya know, moving to Scotland like any day now so they should totes Skype with his new tablet. Ummm yeah, apparently Annie starting her “My Blog” just last week has inspired her inner-writer to blossom and want to apply to a writing program in Scotland. Where the *fudge* does she get these ideas? Did she just close her eyes and point on a map? Does she know that L.A. has about a million writing programs? Does she really think she can get into a prestigious writing program? Do any of us think she could even get into a community college? All I can say is: Don’t worry Riley—you are going to be stuck with Annie for a long time because no way is she getting into any program in Scotland. But just to make certain that Annie takes their relationship seriously, Riley gives consideration to having a dangerous experimental spinal surgery to see if he can walk again. He saw the look on Annie’s face when Dixon got his Christmas miracle—a clean bill of health—and wants Annie to feel that happiness with him. Meanwhile, Dixon took the Christmas holiday as an opportunity to get closer with Megan—since no one on this show can be single for more than one episode—and he starts by confessing the truth that he was in the other car in the accident that killed her father. Her response is to kiss him! No mistletoe required!
Santa Baby. I have pretty much written the same thing for Silver every week this year. Someone just knock this girl up so that we can all move on. Yes, Silver is still trying to work out all the details of getting impregnated with Teddy’s sperm. Last week it seemed uncertain in light of Shane’s (Teddy’s partner) reaction. But actually, it turns out that Teddy has reconsidered, but not how Silver thinks. He doesn’t want to sign the papers that release his involvement in the yet-to-be-created child’s life. Instead, he wants to be the father to the child and co-parent with Silver and Shane. Teddy realizes that he doesn’t want to be absent like his own father. However, Silver doesn’t want to raise a child in a split household like her parents did—plus she wants this baby to be her own. Now they are in a stand-off and Shane is threatening to sue if Silver will not agree to these new terms. Ummm she isn’t even pregnant yet, so I don’t understand why this is such a big deal.
Well, that’s all from our favorite 9021-HO crowd this year! We will eagerly await the fates that 2013 will bring.