Season 5, Episode 8
Let’s kick tonight’s recap off with some numbers. This week I turn the big 3-0 and 90210 2.0 turns the big 100, evidenced by the spiffy graphic opening the show along with its 9021-oh-so-clever title, “902-100.” I can hardly believe this ‘spin-off’ has reached the 100 episode milestone, but even more incredible is that if you add its 100 to the number of episodes in the original series, you get a whopping total of 393! And I have been watching the Beverly Hills franchise a full two-thirds of my life. Now that my brain hurts, let’s get down to the real business of this post: my snarky recap.
I have to hand it to the 90210 show-runners: this episode was like an epic all-star event. I use the term “star” loosely, of course, but nevertheless it was awesome to see so many characters pop-up from the past. Not only did we get some amusing reminders of the days gone by, but things kicked up a few notches in the current story lines!
The naked truth. Out of the West Bev blue, Naomi decides she really cares about joining some snooty ‘Ladies of West Beverly Legacy Society” led by Denise Richards Gwen Thompson. This means not only attending homecoming, but pulling out all the stops to make an impression and be the chosen one. Of course Naomi drags the whole gang along, which leads to the perfect setting for some awesome run-ins (more on that later). Naomi quickly discovers that—shocker—she was considered a bitch and a mean girl in high school. But the girl does throw quite a party…and yes, she did just walk through her own party and praise herself in the third person. Leave it to 90210’s 100th episode to not only have a party at the Playboy Mansion, but also have burlesque dancers perform and an entire wardrobe room full of lingerie-clad women PLUS a naked Naomi on stage. When Naomi takes the runway to do some modeling, she strips down to the full monty to offer the naked truth: she used to be a bitch. But she also explains that she has changed and wants people to know that stepping on others is totes not cool. And just in case that wasn’t enough of an apology (it wasn’t), they could throw food at her (they did). I especially enjoyed Annie getting into the food-throwing action as payback for the naked pic texting scandal that “ruined Annie’s life” back in the day. Just as Naomi returns to her ‘quaint starter home’ triumphantly, she finds her distraught hubby Max sitting alone. Apparently new girl Bryce (who Naomi hired!) manipulated a corporate merger to get Max axed. Uh oh, looks like Naomi’s marriage may not last for 100 more days.
Ghosts of crazies past. Annie is definitely Homecoming Queen—if one bases that decision on who had the BEST run-ins with crazy people who used to stalk them. First up was crazy cousin Emily—who once tried to sabotage and frame Annie back in high school when she lived with the Wilsons for a while. Apparently she has gone on to mediocre success as an actress/blogger. This makes Annie feel pretty crappy since she has done absolutely nothing with her life whatsoever. Seriously Annie, you need to get working and fast—cousin Emily totally stars on Suburgatory! Next up on the ‘this is your life’ haunted tour was my personal favorite: Jasper. Ahhhh Jasper…the nephew of the man that Annie killed in an accidental hit-and-run. And the boy she seriously dated for months before he got more crazy than Annie and burned Liam’s boat. I am not sure where new boyfriend Riley was in this episode, but Annie leaves the reunion feeling the urge to get writing after seeing how it helped Emily find fame and Jasper get through issues. Her creative writing solution? Start a blog about her past exploits—including the foray into prostitution—and call the blog…(wait for it)…My Blog. Oh Annie, please go back to college.
Like a dream come true. Liam has been having some creepy nightmares of a drowning and lifeless Vanessa. He gets even more rattled when someone calls his phone and plays his recorded 911 call from that fateful day. But he tries to push past the fears by participating in good ole’ fashioned Powderpuff Football at the Homecoming event. He also continues to push Navid away and I don’t blame him—Navid is so annoying this season I was bummed to see him awkwardly hanging around. Later in the day, Liam brings Annie along for some house-hunting and I, for one, was delighted to see what looks like a new version of Dylan McKay’s pad. It seems Liam is quite anxious to get into some new living arrangements that are a bit more private—and not put his name on the lease—because he is afraid of fans and potentially dead girls tracking him down. He does confess to Annie the entire Vanessa ‘accident,’ at which point Annie mistakenly assumes that Jasper has knowledge he wants to use to blackmail Liam. Turns out that Jasper merely has a screenplay that he wrote and wants Liam to star in. Meanwhile, somewhere at a nice resort pool, a Vanessa that appears quite alive is swimming and enjoying herself. We all knew she couldn’t be gone for good. But I for one am more excited to see Jasper return after all these years. Please do the movie, Liam!
Unfaithful. Over in the couples department, Dixon officially became a record label owner and signed Ade as his first artist. But his real triumph of the night came when he offered the best line of the episode, regarding the Powderpuff Football game, “Right now I’m actually pretty glad to be disabled.” But later, while brokering some deals using his [product placement alert] Windows tablet, he comes across the video of Ade kissing Taylor during her rehearsal. Dixon confronts Ade about Taylor, but she accidentally spills the beans that she slept with Taylor. Dixon is immediately done with Ade and kicks her out…of the apartment. But, the most sinister Dixon I have ever seen creepily tells her that he “owns” her through the record label. And the record label shall be called “Unfaithful.” Wow—Dixon clearly got his penchant for creative titles from his sister Annie.
Dancing with myself. Again, totally bored by Silver’s story line of trying to get pregnant, whining about not being pregnant, and her bizarre focus on burlesque dance. Blah blah she performs at Naomi’s party blah blah it inspires Teddy to be brave and make a commitment to his partner Shane. But just as Teddy reconciles with Shane, the latter discovers that Teddy donated the sperm for Silver’s future baby. Oops, guess Teddy forgot to mention that.
Phew that was a lot! 100 episodes and still going…