Season 4, Episode 23
A Tale of Two Parties
Last week there was so much soapy drama that this week’s episode, “A Tale of Two Parties,” mainly dealt with the fall-out. The action didn’t really pick up until the end, when the respective bachelor and bachelorette parties ended in well-coordinated arrests courtesy of ridiculous set-ups and clueless cops. On that note, let’s grab some spiked lemonade and high-class call-girls and jump into this penultimate episode of season four.
- Quit Playing Games with My Heart: Naomi is trying her hardest to act cool about planning her former love’s wedding, but she can’t escape the feelings she still harbors for Max. I mean, three weeks ago she was madly in love with P.J. and heartbroken calling off that engagement, but now that Madison’s fiancé is Max, she apparently has always loved him. I will say that of all her guys over the years, she definitely had the most sincere and sweet relationship with nerdy Max, so I will let her wishy-washy emotions slide this time. When Madison’s maid of honor gets shingles at the last second (Shingles?! Who randomly gets that today?!), Naomi must step in to play hostess at the bachelorette party. She decides to use the opportunity to her advantage and try to catch goody-goody Madison in a compromising position so that she can throw her under the bus. This proves more difficult than she anticipated since Madison really IS a goody-goody: her bachelorette party is at an aquarium with no alcohol. But Naomi remedies that by spiking the punch and arranging for Madison’s old-school crush Nick Carter to show up. [I am skipping the part where Ade sings at the party for obvious reasons—it was Ade, singing]. Naomi hopes that a drunken Madison will cheat on Max with her Backstreet Boy idol, but even Nick Carter can’t stand how obnoxious Madison is. The truly amusing part of the evening doesn’t happen until our intoxicated bride decides that she needs to “free the fishies” of the aquarium and breaks the ridiculously thin glass of a tank. The police happen to sense this incident and are right there to arrest her. Naomi begins to feel ashamed of her efforts to ruin Madison and even tells Max that he is marrying a good girl, but she also desperately wants to tell him how she still loves him. Since they are interrupted by Madison, stay tuned for the cliché “I still love you” moment at the wedding altar next week.
- Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gunna Do When They Come for You: Max has become a true financial success in the software marketing world, but apparently that means he is lacking in the friends department. Hence, he finds it appropriate to invite all the random guys he vaguely knew in high school plus their new friends to his bachelor party. He also convinces Liam to have it at Offshore, yet pays tons of money to completely redecorate it for just the one night. He also puts the recently returned Austin in charge of entertainment—thinking that means a band—but Austin has other plans that involve an “escort service.” Perhaps Naomi should reconsider getting back together with Austin instead, since he thinks the most like her. Austin uses the bachelor party as an opportunity to take down Bree—the leader of the prostitution ring in which Annie was involved. As you may or may not recall (since it was so long ago and Austin disappeared for a while), Austin took the fall for the sorority house fire that Bree herself actually caused. He did it to protect Annie from being exposed as part of Bree’s “escort” service, which she was supposedly only doing out of the kindness of her heart—to make money for her brother Dixon’s outrageously expensive rehab mansion. Follow all that? Anyways, Austin is sick of taking the heat for a fire he didn’t cause and because it negatively impacts his “job prospects” (haha, like these kids care about jobs). Austin’s stellar plan is to lure Bree into having sex for money and then have the cops arrive thanks to an “anonymous tip.” Hmm did he realize that this plan also gets him arrested too? Bree doesn’t go down without a fight and yells to the cops that all the dudes at the party are underage! Ha, did the cops really not realize that themselves? Heck, Liam owns the bar! Max uses his money to get all the guys out on bail and Austin is able to strike a deal with Bree: she rightly fesses to the house fire and he tells the cops the prostitution thing is all a mistake. This means that Austin’s name is now cleared, he can be Ade’s manager, AND Annie’s past as a prostitute can stay under the radar again.
- A Priest Walks Into a Bar… My how the mighty (holy) fall. No sooner does Caleb abandon his calling to be a priest by sleeping with Annie then he immediately regrets it upon learning her past as a prostitute and spends this episode getting super drunk at Offshore during Max’s bachelor party. Annie looks for her priest in all the usual places—first the seminary, then…the bar. He is not ready to listen to her. She finally tracks him down at the church upon his release from the great Bachelor Party Round-Up of 2012 and tells him that she has forgiven herself for being a prostitute to “save” her brother (gee, that is big of yourself) and now he needs to forgive himself for…I am not really sure what? Leaving the seminary? Having sex? Drinking? Liking Annie for some crazy reason?
- If the Boat’s a Rockin’, Don’t Come a Knockin’: Especially because an illegal immigrant is currently hiding out in Naomi’s yacht so that he is not deported back to Mexico. Yes, it seems Annie feels so bad for messing things up between Ivy and Diego that she arranges for him to crash on Naomi’s boat. Ivy reunites with him and apparently she is suddenly over Raj: she says she loves Diego and sleeps with him. But now they don’t know what to do because Diego busted her out of the mental institution and is in risk of being sent back to Mexico if he is caught. The two come up with a plan—he should seek sanctuary in…a sanctuary! I guess if he lives at Caleb’s former church the police can’t touch him? I am no expert at immigration law so we will just have to go with what the writers are feeding us for the sake of this rushed story line. In related news, I never thought I would see a church or seminary appear on 90210 more than the college they are all supposed to be attending.
- Baby Talk: Silver talks with her doctor about the options and decisions facing her now that she knows she has the breast cancer gene. The doctor basically tells the 20-year old Silver that if she wants babies she should hop to it because her chances down the road may not be so great. Apparently Silver had been freaked out by the notion when she thought she was pregnant last week, but now this week she truly wants to experience motherhood. There’s no time to waste! The ‘only’ problem is that the two men in her life are behaving like babies themselves. Liam and Navid continue to fight and act like children over who should “win” Silver. She finally has enough of their behavior when she arrives in their Bachelor Blow-Out jail cell. She bluntly tells them that what she really wants is a baby—so which of them is man enough to deal with that? [Crickets] Bueller? Bueller? Both guys are silent.
So, that brings us to next week’s big finale and I am sure some new plot twists and cliffhangers. Will Silver pick a guy, or will she take a lesson from big sister Kelly of the original Beverly Hills 90210 and choose herself over Brandon Navid and Dylan Liam vying for her love? Will Naomi break up “speakeasy Max” and “fish hatchery Madison”? And will Dixon reappear or ever be mentioned again?