Season 4, Episode 7
It’s the Great Masquerade, Naomi Clark
Here is a Halloween Paradox to consider as we begin tonight’s exploration of the 90210 Masquerade episode: why is it that the girls of this show routinely wear barely a scrap of clothing for a coffee run, yet on the one night of the year that a typical girl sluts it up with minimal attire, the 90210 girls wear very covered-up and non-trashy costumes? I mean, Annie was a Disney princess—not a slutty princess! And Silver was a wiener—but not a sexual one! Adrianna was a jailbird—not a ho-bag! What is happening?! Halloween brings out strange and creepy behaviors in 90210-land.
- Confessions of a Teenage Party Queen: It seems like practically every week Naomi must throw some insane Greek party without concern for budget. Oh wait, that is because that actually does happen every week. Once again, Naomi is faced with the excruciating challenge of being a college student solely to coordinate lavish parties that would make Kim Kardashian’s wedding seem understated. This time around, Naomi cannot fail in planning the perfect soiree for the campus Halloween bash since apparently their school somehow competes with other schools for best party to earn legit prize money (say whaaaaat?). Rather than deal with Holly as a Greek Council enemy, Naomi reaches out to seek Holly’s help in planning the event. The duo works pretty well together, coming up with ideas that seemed novel about 10 years ago on The Real World (i.e. video confessional booth and texting funny notes to a party screen). But then we find out “what happens…when people stop being polite…and start getting real.” Holly actually used the situation to set Naomi up by having her record a private confession to Austin about her genuine feelings, which Holly broadcasted to the college world. Naomi’s party may have backfired on her when Holly got the Dean to shut it down, but in the end Naomi got the guy—cowboy Austin—when he watched her confession of love.
- A Wiener in Need of Buns—and Brains: Silver dresses as a giant hot dog for Halloween, proving that “parents” of teenagers will always find ways to be embarrassing. Unfortunately, Navid’s “buns” cannot attend the party because he is too busy sticking his real buns where they don’t belong. Yup, Navid is still going along with the young cop’s plans to frame his uncle, and that means Navid needs to play along and prove his allegiance to Uncle Amal. Silver is ready to trust Navid again, thanks to a pep talk from her boss Brandy (i.e. politician Marissa), but Navid makes a show of banishing Silver in front of his dear Uncle. Not only does Silver lose her faith in Navid, but she gets a double whammy when she learns that Marissa actually uses paid actors for her campaign videos—GASP! Oh Silver, please go to college and learn how the world works.
- fABulous: Poor Liam, his abs are just so perfect that girls from miles around come to gawk at him and pet him and giggle at him…OK, so it is annoying. Liam’s abs are causing a stir, but you know our boy Liam—he just doesn’t want the attention, dude. Austin, on the other hand, does want it! Badly! Actually, it is a little disturbing just how badly Austin wants girls to touch his abs. Anyways, Ade continues to try to act like the good guardian angel and offers Liam the careful advice of…uhhh…sell out for mad money! But, oh, just don’t let the fame go to your head and F**k up your life like I did, but other than that, just have, like, a blast with it and pimp yourself! Awww thanks for the heartfelt advice, Ade! Liam goes ahead and reveals his face for the ad campaign. He doesn’t waste a single second putting his new money to use—he immediately buys a motorcycle and admires his beautiful billboard! Even Liam swoons over his own abs.
- A Barrel of Creepiness: The Annie-Patrick “Pretty Woman” relationship continues to creep me out. Not only do we have the fact that it began as a paid escort situation, and the fact that there is a very significant age difference only made worse thanks to Annie’s immaturity, but now we are seeing some disturbing ownership-like behavior on Patrick’s part. He sends her clothing and arranges their plans while telling her exactly where to be and when. When she claims to have super important other plans—like researching celebrity bloggers for a class project and attending a masquerade party—he arranges to have Perez Hilton just stop by to help free up her schedule. I was quite proud of ‘Pretty Stupid Woman’ Annie for holding her ground and not just giving in to Patrick’s red-flag relationship behavior. But then I grew majorly concerned when he showed up the college party dressed in nothing but a barrel and texting her a public apology for treating her “like a princess.” Oh Annie, can you not see how this is going to end so badly for you? I guess not, because you leapt into his barrel with open arms. Watch out for those splinters.
- Quality Bond(age) Time: I cannot imagine a crueler punishment than being handcuffed to Adrianna for 24 hours. If that didn’t scare Dixon straight into stopping his ADD pill addiction, I don’t know what will. As previously mentioned, Ade is still on a mission to make amends for her previous season grievances by offering concern and counsel to her boys—Liam and Dixon. In Dixon’s case, she seems to be the only one who recognizes signs of drug abuse. What’s a good friend to do? Why break into your friend’s house and wait to confront him in an after-school special moment, of course! And when that fails, handcuff yourself to him for 24 hours to make him prove he doesn’t have a problem. Then, to really torture him, insist that you go to a Halloween party in a couples costume of cop and robber. Dixon makes it through the 24 hours—just barely—and I am barely convinced that he wasn’t sweating and experiencing withdrawal symptoms simply from the trauma of being chained to Ade. Nevertheless, upon a few moments of freedom, he finds his math nerds at the party and scores more pills, while in his cop uniform which is nice irony.
- Ivy was there: Ivy still doesn’t have anything to do other than pretend like she matters. That and take photos of her own friends to insert Raj into the pictures. We all know that they are saving Ivy’s acting juices for when Raj hits the end. And who will be there to pick up the pieces of Ivy? Why cutie photographer Nick! Just one question: what was Ivy’s costume supposed to be?
I continue to enjoy the show’s absurd and amusing story lines. Before signing off for the night, I do want to give a shout out to my favorite moment. I loved when the random guy at the bar got Adrianna as his waitress and asked to try a new drink: a Has-been Pop Star! Ha, this just proves that the show can take itself lightly and have fun with itself.