I was irrationally excited for the return of 90210 tonight. I mean come on, Jeni, this is 90210—not LOST or Mad Men. Apparently I wasn’t the only one absurdly pumped up for the return of this guiltiest of pleasures, though, because the fine folks at Zap2It put together an amusing (and snarky!) set of predictions for what they would like to see in upcoming episodes. And, this episode “Liars,” which was the first episode back since Christmas, picked up immediately where we left off—in the middle of kisses, scandals, and lurking predators. Ah-maz-ing.
- Crouching tiger, hidden Cannon: I have to start with the most kick-ass story of the night…mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the creepiest rapist of all? Why that would be Mr. Cannon, who as we saw briefly at the end of the Christmas episode, was hiding in Naomi’s apartment (hotel?) waiting for her like the sinister scumbag he is. I almost felt like I was watching the opening scene from the original Scream movie with Drew Barrymore walking around her house naively, not aware that within moments all hell would break loose. When Naomi finally looked into the mirror and saw his reflection behind her—dun dun dun!!! Little did Naomi know that her penchant for getting ready in front of mirrors would end up saving her life…but more on that later! Basically, Mr. Cannon attacked her and held her hostage, binding her with tape. Next, he said he needed Silver to complete his plan, at which point I really wondered if this storyline was headed toward a disturbing three-way. When Naomi refused to call her friend, Cannon used teen technology against her by texting Silver to come over. Poor Silver entered his trap and found herself bound as well. That is when we learned that Cannon’s plan was to video record the girls “admitting” that they lied about Cannon’s transgressions and that they were terribly sorry. Oh Mr. Cannon—I know that you fancy yourself a documentary filmmaker, and yet somehow you didn’t think about adjusting your camera angle so you couldn’t see that their arms were tied behind their backs? Oh well, it didn’t end up mattering anyways, since morning came and the girls had to go with him to the bank so that Naomi could transfer her trust fund money to him. Naomi hatched a plan that would only work for a spoiled rich girl from Beverly Hills—she convinced him to let her re-apply her make-up so that she would look “normal” when they went to the bank. And that’s when she turned the hairspray on him, temporarily blinding him long enough for Silver to smash him in the head. Nice work Charlie’s Angels! Just when I thought this storyline was finally over, we discovered that Naomi was ready to get all fight club on Mr. Cannon and beat the hell out of him before calling the cops. As Naomi herself said, she wanted to take justice into her own hands…and in her hands was a knife! Silver talked Naomi out of ruining her own life by killing Cannon and they eventually called the cops. Goodbye Cannon—you were a surprisingly amazing storyline—I mean, just look at how much I wrote on this!
- Three’s company, and creepy: Over at Casa Wilson, Annie and Liam have just finished their night of passion. I was just yelling at my TV that not only did Annie sleep with her boyfriend’s half-brother and her brother’s best friend (follow that?), but did so IN her brother’s bed…but then for once Annie was perceptive and realized this herself. Annie was very conflicted over which brother she should choose—mellow and mysterious Charlie or wounded Abercrombie model Liam. She didn’t have too much time to brood in solace, though, because in the morning her mother brought home their fresh from the glitter farm cousin Emily. Apparently, cousin Emily was moving in with them for a few months while her mom entered rehab. Oh Wilsons—remember how you were supposed to be like the Walsh family from the original show? What would Jim and Cindy think about the quickie divorce of Mr. and Mrs. Wilson, an aunt in rehab, and Debbie doing Mr. Matthews? Also, what the heck is Debbie doing for money to afford that house, and now a third kid under her roof! I digress. Anyways, with encouragement from the ridiculously perky and rom-com obsessed Emily, Annie decided to pick Liam. Unfortunately for her, at the same moment Liam and Charlie FINALLY had their long awaited talk (which took all of two seconds) and we learned that Charlie actually protected his younger half brother from repeated future beatings. Now that Liam and Charlie reconciled and Liam felt like he had a family again, he didn’t feel right about stealing Annie from him. Me thinks that Annie will have bigger problems in her future, though, as cousin Emily seems poised to get all “Single White Female” on her and try to steal her life.
- Kiss and tell: Ian continued his streak of witty one-liners when Teddy began rattling off instructions for them to secretly meet up and Ian responded, “Is this a relationship or the Bourne Identity?” Well, Teddy, your cover was already blown because Dixon caught you making out and then proceeded to act increasingly uncomfortable around his friend. The situation was not made any better when Navid started to make gay jokes in front of Teddy. But seriously, Dixon, did you have to cringe when Teddy gave you a friendly pat on the back at the surfing competition? Another favorite exchange occurred when Teddy told Dixon he was acting kind of strange, and Dixon responded, “Look who’s talking.” Jeesh, Dixon. Ultimately, Dixon finally admitted that he knew, and after first feigning ignorance, Teddy asked Dixon to please keep it quiet.
- Crash and burn: I have both despised and loved Adrianna’s meteoric rise to fame and subsequent implosion we get to witness now. Ade was still reeling from the news that Victor spilled the truth to the tabloids that she stole Javier’s songs. Even though she was staring the end of her career in the face, she still somehow managed to be a massive self-centered biotch. However, her scenes with her equally absorbed publicist were hilarious, whether it was Adrianna wondering if post-traumatic stress disorder was “like what soldiers get?” or mixing the acronym up with an STD, to the publicist coaching her on how to act upset and pained during her live interview to clear her name. Just when Ade thought her fake story about suffering from PTSD in the wake of Javier’s tragic death would be enough to save her, the interviewer of “Hello LA” apparently thought her fluff show about D-list celebrities was some kind of crazy Bill O’Reilly interview and smashed down her story and her dignity. Sorry, Ade, but no one actually feels sorry for you. We only wish Navid wasn’t such a “nice guy” and officially breaks up with you so that he can be with Silver.
- Ivy almost dies, who cares: Sorry, dudette, but I didn’t really care when you wiped out on your surfboard and then Dixon saved you despite still not wanting to speak to you since you slept with Oscar. I am actually only bringing this storyline up for two reasons. First, it seemed that Ivy actually may have developed post traumatic stress disorder after her near death experience because she faked an injury to get out of the surfing competition. Second, I would like to point out that Dixon did not follow the new guidelines for CPR that recommend forgoing mouth-to-mouth and instead just doing chest compressions. But maybe he just wanted to make out with his unconscious ex-girlfriend.
OK, I think this may be the longest post I have written to date, but so much action went down in this episode. I even enjoyed the T-Mobile presentation during the first commercial break that gave us a recap of the season thus far because it brought its own snark: “Mr. Matthews had a baby, then he had a panic attack, then he had Mrs. Wilson.” Ha!
I hope you enjoyed this first episode of 2011 as much as I did. Please don’t negatively judge me for writing an absurd amount on this show.