If there is one thing these 90210 characters excel at, it is acting first and then thinking (maybe) later. We had Dixon dumping Ivy before even learning his HIV test results, Annie agreeing to sell her eggs to her infertile boss without considering any implications whatsoever (other than that the fertility shots would, like totally, hurt), Teddy getting into fights on a roof over his sexuality, and Silver, Naomi and Ade setting up the worst plan in history to catch a predator.
Before I begin my stream of bullets points where I break down how ridiculous all these characters are, let me just say that one of my favorite parts of this episode was The CW actually asking those of us out here watching the show to text in our answers to its viewer poll: “Do you think Jenn will make a good mother?” Seriously. And the answer options were “yes” or “that’s what nannies are for!” Is this show for real?
- Annie’s plan gets ‘shot’ down: oh Annie, how have you not already exchanged your cell phone for some magic beans? There are few characters on TV as stupid as you are (well, the others who come close are your friends on this show). She doesn’t even consider the implications of selling her eggs so another couple can use them to have a baby, yet she does stress out about giving herself the fertility shots. I believe Annie’s exact words were “What implications? It’s an egg—I’ve got like a million of them inside me!” Debbie may not have a college education (wow, they brought that up a lot in this episode) but at least she smacks some sense into her daughter. Hands down best line of the night went to Debbie when Annie is talking nonsense about the needles in her paper bag: “Annie you are not making any sense—are you high right now???!” Annie can’t even figure out how to lie about what is in a brown paper bag—she should really not be pro-creating.
- Jenn and Mr. Matthews: speaking of people who should not pro-create, Jenn gives birth to a boy, and boy oh boy was she pissed it wasn’t a girl. When she learns she can’t just order the nurses around like employees, she immediately enlists her new assistant Debbie to be her baby’s nanny. Ugh, I guess this means there will be plotlines around Debbie and this child—named Jacque much to the dismay of Mr. Matthews (and to anyone who is not French). Best Jenn line of the night was when Jenn refuses to eat because “ew, who would want a fat baby!” Gee, and to think I was THISCLOSE to texting my vote that Jenn would make a good mother.
- Teddy cleans the gutters with his gay hookup: Once again, Teddy is put into close contact with Ian, the boy he hooked up with. And, once again, Teddy is so in denial of his sexuality that he lashes out. I am still waiting for this story arc to really take off with Teddy. But I guess Teddy lashing out is all part of the master plan to make Teddy’s coming out a realistic portrayal, unlike Adrianna becoming a lesbian in one day and then switching back. Plus, the gutter detention duty allowed for another stellar metaphor when Ian gets uber-philosophical explaining how gutters can hide the buildup of crap until they get clogged and cause damage (wow, and I thought the earthquake metaphor in the season premiere was bad). I also like how all of a sudden Teddy is no longer attracted to women physically—he never seemed to have problems in the bedroom with Silver or the other girls he dated.
- Liam and his bro problems: Liam continues to clash with his mysterious half-brother Charlie. I am still not sure what to make of Charlie (and if he is really on the level with Liam about wanting to make amends for past behavior or if he is conning him for something else). All I know is, he likes channeling David Silver with his diamond stud earring a la 1992.
- Dixon, Ivy and that Brit dude who I still cannot stand: Look, I am all in favor of Ivy and Oscar hooking up—if it would mean they would both move to Australia and leave the show. Dixon wants to spare Ivy from hurt regarding his potential HIV status—so what does he do? He hurts her by rejecting her and breaking things off. Because that makes sense. Of course this drives Ivy straight into the arms (and bed) of Oscar, and of course Dixon then learns he is negative. We are in for a messy love triangle, dude. When Ivy uses her “sexy voice,” you know she is serious.
- Naomi, Silver and Ade set a trap: There are so many things wrong with their plan to catch Mr. Cannon in his predatory ways. First, that IM conversation alone would have been enough to get a teacher in trouble (um hello, what teacher agrees to meet a student in a hotel?) yet only Mr. Cannon understands that the messaging alone was damaging enough to get someone into trouble. So, of course he turns the tables on their little sting operation and arrives with the principal and school therapist. Speaking of these two administrators—why did the show bother to drop Harry and Kelly as principal and counselor if they were going to bring in new people to fill these roles? The girls’ scheming is so absurd, but even more absurd is how pleased with themselves they are for using punctuation in writing their luring messages to Cannon (too bad they did not know that “three little dots” actually has a name—an ellipsis).
Because tonight I learned that ending a sentence with an ellipsis leaves the reader wanting more, I will end with this provocative thought: this show can clean out its gutters of crappy writing and character development if it…