90210 Recap – West Beverly BLAZE

Remember back in the day when the ‘West Bev Blaze’ referred to Andrea Zuckerman slaving away over producing the finest high school newspaper in the country? Well, on the new 90210 I don’t think the kids know how to write, so “blaze” refers some serious burning hormones, a kitchen fire, plus boys dressed as firefighters for a strip number!

Sorry this post is so late. But, that’s what happens when your DVR schedule is screwed up thanks to Verizon’s show time listings and then The CW takes its sweet time posting the latest episode online. So now, without further ado, here is my smokin’ recap of the episode “The Bachelors.”

  • Naomi gets released from the hospital after her sleeping pill overdose last week. It takes her zero time to check out, since she is already wearing lingerie under her hospital gown.
  • Ivy is ready to lose her virginity to Dixon. Naturally, she goes to her mom Laurel for some advice. Typically, this would be a scene where a parent expresses some concern to her child and/or freaks out. Not Laurel though–she is ready with sex tips and positions. Ivy nods along, practically taking notes, until Laurel hauls out her box of condoms. Seriously, Ivy? Like, you weren’t bothered or embarrassed the entire part of this extremely awkward mother-daughter conversation but the only rational part (the condoms) freaked you out???? When Ivy then goes to tell Dixon the good news and that she is ready for this next step in their relationship, I believe she actually uses the words “Let’s do it, blah blah blah” (wow, she could be a modern day Shakespeare wooing her young love).
  • Speaking of Shakespeare, Liam’s half brother is back to wooing Annie by reading her Twelfth Night. I loved when Annie looks dreamily into his eyes and exclaims, “I’ve never had anyone read Shakespeare to me before!” (um, Annie, I don’t think you have ever read anything before. Period.) Annie is in for some drama by entering a love triangle, since Liam and his half-brother have some bad blood between them and both are interested in her (for reasons I can’t figure out). If only Annie had a “Sassy Gay Friend” to keep her out of trouble! Sorry—couldn’t resist the connection to Shakespeare to introduce you to this awesome web series, if you haven’t seen it already.
  • Why is Ade allowed to roam around West Bev when she is no longer a student there? At least this episode she proved that she remembered Navid’s name. And poor Navid—first, the show ignores him this season, then he finally has some screen time and no one will bid on him at the bachelor charity auction! Well, no one except Adriana, fresh off her new singing gig thanks to Javier’s creepy blackmailing uncle.
  • Silver is planning a cancer charity event (jeez this school has serious funds) that involves a bachelor striptease and auction. First of all, West Bev has plasma screen TVs, yet for some reason she has her volunteers painting old-fashioned posters a la Donna Martin Graduates protest signs. Second, the provocative dancing, choreographed by the gay student Teddy secretly hooked up with, led to some serious drama for Teddy. After the guys have some trouble “kick-ball changing,” Teddy lashes out with homophobic slurs since he is too frightened to admit that he is struggling with his own sexuality. Silver is having none of that and says she is done with Teddy. On the bright side, this gave Ivy her first intelligible line since she has been on this show: “I can’t believe Teddy went all Mel Gibson.”
  • Lastly, Dixon gets quite the bombshell news! His ex lady-friend Sasha reappears and stalks him down in the creepiest of ways. I was getting really annoyed with her lurking around and being super vague about why she had to talk with Dixon. I was actually saying to myself that she better have insane news to report after all this obnoxious behavior. Well, turns out she is HIV-positive. Yikes—this will clearly be a big storyline for Dixon and I am interested to see how they handle this in the coming episodes.

Time to put out the fire that is this recap (I still have the image of Annie saying “Fire. Fire.” to Liam’s cooking disaster in my head). But, there are a few other random items to point out. First, did you catch the very casual reference Mr. Matthews (who still hasn’t washed his hair) made to the new principal’s name? I believe it was a Mr. Nowak??? Do you like how Debbie’s complete ignorance of the job market will lead to Annie actually selling her eggs to her creepy boss to make money for the family?  Speaking of Annie—she was still upset that Naomi called her a murderer last week (um, Annie—ya kinda are). And finally, when will Navid get his own actual storyline (and staring at Adriana doesn’t count).


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