A lot happened in this episode of 90210, and most of it was pretty creepy. There was a funeral, an overdose, a pedophile, drugged tea, a scandalous hookup, a secret plot for revenge, and the most shocking—an actual legitimate homework assignment to write a 5,000 word essay! Crazy shenanigans at West Bev High!
On a personal note, what scared me the most was that these 90210 kids were filming video testimonials for their 10-year high school reunion in 2021…when they are, GASP, 28! That made me feel a little old to be watching this show, since that is almost my current age. However, considering most of the castmembers of the original Beverly Hills 90210 were 28 or older when they filmed the show, I will continue to watch and make fun of these parentless teenagers.
There is a lot to cover, and I know my blog post can’t even do this show justice (by justice I mean that it can in no way make up for the pleasure of watching this show with your own eyes and wondering, why?)
- Naomi is having trouble sleeping. Her opening sequence of nightmares looked like an Ambien commercial gone wrong. But then I felt bad for thinking that, because later she actually overdosed on sleeping pills. Wah wah.
- Who is the blonde girl filming the video testimonials and why does she look like a duck?
- Ivy and Dixon: Look, everyone, they have a very mature relationship—and they want us to know that it is solid, yo. Yes, because everyone in a serious relationship compares their boyfriend to a puppy who pees on the couch. Dixon gets upset to learn (from Oscar no less) that Ivy is a virgin and lied about it. Dixon—she wears overalls and pigtails and rides a skateboard—give her a few more years to hit puberty, please!
- Adriana and Nav… wait, does Navid still exist? Seriously, he is probably the least offensive character on this show and he hasn’t been given a plotline yet this season. Or, hmmmm, do I perhaps consider him the least offensive character BECAUSE he hasn’t been given a ridiculous plotline like the others? This is like a “which came first/chicken and egg” question. Anyways, Adriana becomes a singing sensation when people at Javier’s funeral—yes FUNERAL—record her singing a tribute song on their phones. Did I mention this was at a funeral??? People, show some respect—put your phones down and stare at the disturbingly large poster of his face instead! But, looks like Ade won’t get away with stealing Javier’s song, because his uncle knows!
- Teddy learns a few shocking truths about himself in this episode. First, he is actually able to write a 5,000 word essay on The New Deal (20 bucks says his paper is about a new deal on tennis gear). Second, he discovers he can actually quote poetry (see, that homework totally paid off)! Oh, yeah, and he found out that he hooked up with a dude the other night after partying too hard. Here we go folks—90210’s second attempt to make a formerly straight character gay and to do it in a “meaningful and realistic way.” Sure.
- Annie is freaked out by her new boss (and for once, I don’t blame her—that woman was acting weeeeeird). Turns out, yup—she is weeeeeird. This woman and her husband think Annie looks like a young version of her, so naturally they think she would make a perfect egg donor in their quest to get pregnant. Umm, were they hoping to seal the deal in their hot tub party? Also, Annie is in HIGH SCHOOL. I smell a bad egg, or two, in this storyline. My favorite part of Annie’s storyline, though, was when she claimed in her video testimonial that she hoped one day she would be a famous actress of the stage. Five minutes later, she turned in a stinker of a performance pretending to have a boyfriend when she thought her boss was a swinger propositioning her. Maybe Annie should donate her eggs for $20K, because the girl could use some acting classes.
- Don’t drink the tea!!!!!! Silver is THISCLOSE to being Mr. Cannon’s second student rape victim after he shows her his new “toy” (i.e. video camera), creepily stalks her, invites her to his lair, puts in his animal mating documentary and then prepares to drug her with tea. Fortunately, it only took about all 858 of these creepy signs to kick Silver’s animal instincts into gear and realize that perhaps Mr. Cannon is not a good guy. I would just like to point out that this is not the first time Silver has been in a male 20-something teacher’s apartment alone (remember bipolar Silver of season 1 who went all fatal attraction on Mr. Matthews and trashed his apartment?)…ahhh the simple days. Look how quickly things decline when the guidance counselor Kelly Taylor doesn’t show up for work!
I will end this post tonight with a powerful quote that turned out to be a potential life saver, as it helped alert Silver to the truth of Naomi’s rape accusation: “No animal is as brutal as the homo sapien.” Sometimes there is a bad egg, trying to manipulate and destroy. I would also like to take a moment to remember one such vixen of the original series, Emily Valentine–she who encouraged the exchange of an egg for information about a rave. Well, until next time, try to stay off the sleeping pills (and the U4EA–you are missed Emily Valentine, wherever you are!).