90210: Total Assault

Wow, just like last week I think I have way too much to say on this show. In fact, I probably spent more time writing this post than the 90210 writers did on that episode! Sorry, I just can’t help but take jabs at this show because it is too fun.

Before I begin a hail of bullet points with my thoughts/reactions, I just want to air a major grievance…

Dear 90210 writers: Don’t you EVER use, make mention of, or reference to Jackie Taylor or any other original Beverly Hills 90210 character again. Do you hear me? As an avid fan of the original, I must admit that season one I was intrigued by the promise of appearances by original cast-members. But after I saw how you mutilated—yes, mutilated—the memory of these beloved characters and their storylines and then proceeded to toss them to the roadside, never to be seen again, how DARE you casually refer to them now. Shame on you. And, in my eyes, Jackie Taylor lives on as a reformed drug addict who pulled her life together and became a good mother.

OK, rant over. Now on to the rest of the episode:

  • Ding dong the b**ch is back! Yes, we were greeted with the presence of Naomi’s horrible, horrible sister Jenn. And she’s still pregnant. And Mr. Matthews still hasn’t washed his hair. Which reminds me—why did we not get any fallout to him driving a school bus drunk at the end of last season?  Maybe he forgot about it, as he did actually refer to himself and Jenn as “two mature adults.”
  • Last week Dixon dressed like a character from Flashdance. This week, Silver was rocking Flock of Seagulls hair. Maybe next week Liam will work at a Catskills summer resort teaching dirty dancing.
  • Why are the adults on this show sooooooo creepy? I really miss Jim and Cindy Walsh, sigh. First we had Laurel (Ivy’s mom) having an affair with Ivy’s young friend. When he coyly asks her “Why stop now?” two words crossed my mind: statutory rape! On the even more creepy adult scale is Mr. Cannon (a.k.a. the teacher who raped Naomi and is now seeming to set his sight on Silver). Never have the words “want to help me edit my documentary” sounded so disturbing (not to mention Silver later asking “does the offer still stand to watch you edit”). It almost makes me wish the show would bring back Mrs. Teasely as principal—she would never stand for a teacher stealing his female student’s scarf so he could…sniff it? touch it??…ewwww. Then again, best not to drag Mrs. Teasely back into the West Bev drama—she is too good a principal for this nonsense and it would clearly violate my open letter to the writers, as stated above in this post.
  • Who needs Match.com? Apparently all I need to do is just spill hot coffee on a dude in Starbucks and presto—instant boyfriend a la Annie! Although…sounds like there is more to that story than we would expect. Which brings me to my next question: Since when did 90210 try to create more character connections and cliffhangers than an episode of LOST? This guy is supposed to be Liam’s African-American brother? And why does he have an axe to grind with Liam, and more importantly—why is he stalking Annie at her high school? Does every boy she dates have to be a stalker???
  • Naomi’s “joy” ride: okay, maybe not a joy ride, but she did freak out upon seeing Mr. Cannon walking down the street and almost tried to run him down for what he did to her. I was actually really impressed with her excuse to explain her odd behavior fit—she actually used a current event (car acceleration problem, of course!).
  • Liam: WTF? Boat squatting? I did agree with his idea that Annie try out for track and field after their quick getaway sprint from the police…the girl made it from Marina del Rey, back to her house to change her hair and clothes and over to Naomi’s 18th birthday party faster than the law of physics allow.
  • Naomi’s party: Why is Adrian Grenier in this? Are things that bad on Entourage? Her showdown with Ade and Annie did yield the BEST line of the night—“Stop acting like Polyanna, you friggin killed a guy!” (Naomi to Annie). Glad to see at least someone on this show hasn’t forgotten. Side note: that line totally reminded me of the scene in Anchorman after the newscaster fight: “Brick killed a guy!”; “Yeeeeah, about that, you may want to lay low for a while.”
  • Ivy finally wears a dress, and it looks like it came out of Donna Martin’s babydoll dress collection from 1993. Aaaaand apparently Donna’s babydoll dresses carry magic virginal powers since Ivy admits she is also one.
  • One last fun fact: Naomi referenced the boy who got her to drunkenly strip tease last week—and said he goes to Harvard Westlake. That is in fact a real school in LA’s San Fernando Valley and was a rival of my high school. Want to know another cool crossover fact that ties into my other Monday night show? Jason Segel (aka Marshall on HIMYM) went there!
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2 Responses to 90210: Total Assault

  1. Almost 30 and loving it! says:

    N0te- The message was left for Liam at HS, not ANNIE and why were all the boys getting beers like they were 30? NO ID necessary? Whadupwitdat?

  2. Karyn says:

    Jeni – as always, you are dead on with your comments. There are many, many things about this show that I question, but one in particular is the Jenn/Ryan relationship. All I can say is, why?? To Almost 30 and loving it! – thank you for clarifying that the note was left for Liam. I was seriously confused as to how/when Liam was asked to meet his half/step (whatever he is) brother in a creepy parking garage. Can’t wait for next week!

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